The state of the Fifty Shades of Grey relationship

Occasionally I write erotica and have noticed a “thing” in my interactions with women. After talking with a few other erotica writers who’ve also experienced this “thing,” I’ve come to understand a specific set of problems with women who get turned on to kink via 50 shades and other BDSM novels.

BDSM novels are mostly read by women and usually posit the following type of relationship:

An independent, intelligent and willful woman who gets “surrounded” by an impossibly determined alpha-guy, who wants her and only her. He will stop at nothing to achieve her submission. After many attempts to assert herself, the relentless magic Dom man demonstrates his devotion so repeatedly and awesomely that she falls into his arms. She is “broken” in some magical way and born anew

It’s a great story but here’s reality:

Attractive and legitimately Dominant guys have options. When a potential sub displays lots of defiance, they move on. They want a sub who displays submission and assume that if they don’t, it’s just not happening. They understand that the “feeling out stage” is critical and don’t waste their time because the world is full of potential. They are less likely to have “one-itis;” a distinctly beta trait. They want women who seem enthusiastic about submitting to them; who want to submit.

And the BDSM novel sub problem compounds itself. There are many needy, control freak guys out there with lots of “passion” but who can’t dominate a cork screw, and they smell these types out like bloodhounds. The BDSM novel submissive – anxious as she is to be surrounded and owned – convinces herself that the passion (needy, one-itis, yearning) she sees from dudebro will take her to the promised land, only later to discover that he’s a very insecure fella.

If you want a decent dominant, you have to demonstrate submission to him and that’s a risk that many BDSM novel subs don’t like. She may show her submission in all its splendor and he may be unimpressed and take a pass, or he may turn out to be less passionate and wonderful than she was hoping for. Practical thinking is a standard dominant trait.

So dear BDSM novel subs,

You’re going to have to learn how to be submissive and demonstrate this before you can reasoably hope to rope in your dream Dom. The Dom you want and with whom you might have a chance of developing a genuine and adult relationship with probably isn’t going to waste his time with antics

There’s been enough unfortunate misunderstandings among the comprehension challenged that I’ll add this clarifier: Showing some submission towards a potential dominant who might interest you is a different thing than being submissive towards everyone, which is a pretty dumb thing for anyone to do. Someone looking for a dominant partner is generally going to want to see a little of that before moving forward. Same thing on the other side