I used to think I was being a wimp if I didn’t take his hardest beating and bitings and everything-else-ings when he felt like giving them.
I used to.
I’ve only really considered myself a submissive since we got together in March. I’d been submissive-ish in a couple of previous encounters. I went through/am going through a little phase of not really knowing if I am ‘submissive’ because I just do/take/ask for things when I want them.
But I think it’s important to!
It’s important to keep track of your own mental state. Ask yourself ‘if we do this now, and I go home back to my house, my room, my bed, and don’t see him/her until next time, will I cope if I drop?’.
If the answer is a resounding ‘NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!’ then it’s no good submitting unconditionally.
And here’s why…
Sometimes it’s not your Dom/me’s choice/fault that they can’t be there… Sometimes dropping when they can’t be there will make them drop harder than you could ever imagine. Sometimes it’s me who’s unavailable for morning after cuddles, and that leads to self blame if I drop.
As a sub, I have no idea what Dom drop feels like. I can only guess from what I’ve been told and what I’ve read online that it’s like being emotionally hungover (much like sub drop).
It might take you out of the moment to say no to something, but it’s better in the long run and it leads to a healthier, more stable D/s relationship. You have to take that other person’s feelings into account, no matter how much you know they want to beat the living daylights out of you before fucking you in both holes and sending you home dripping and shaking.
I’m posting this because I have been that sub who’s worried about being a ‘wimp’. I have worried that I’m not good enough. That he’s not getting enough. That I’m just not cut out for submission and masochism, but they’re 2 things that I both want and crave – on my terms.
I don’t want to see subs putting themselves down for not matching up to the bruises and scars they see all over Fetlife. We all start somewhere, and we all need to take it at our own pace.