Our son is quickly approaching puberty, and since you’ve never experienced puberty from a boy’s perspective, I’d like to offer the following advice.
- At some point, he’s going to start washing some of his own clothes (particularly his sheets). Not if, but when this happens, it’s best not to ask questions or to make a big deal out of it. Simply tell him thank you for helping you with household chores.
- If his bedroom door “accidentally” locks while he’s inside the room, it’s best not to press him too hard for an answer to the logical question, “how and why is your door locked.” As the Beatles said, let it be.
- Never, under any circumstances, should you bare-hand any white clothes or tissues that are on the floor near his bed. Better yet, don’t bare-hand any white clothes or tissues on his floor. Even better, don’t bare-hand anything in his room. Best to wear a hazmat suit when you enter his room or do his laundry. And always wash your hands after.
- He’s going to spend more time in the bathroom and in the shower. He’s ok. Quite well, actually. Probably very relaxed, but he won’t want to talk about it, and trust me, you don’t want an honest answer.
- If you ask him to get up and to do anything and he says he’ll do it in a few minutes, please don’t make him get up. Let him stand up when he’s ready.
- He’s going to masturbate every night before he goes to sleep. That’s a given. And probably every morning in the shower. And maybe even every afternoon when he gets home from school. In fact, if you ever wonder where he is or what he’s doing, it’s safe to assume that he’s masturbating. This is ok, and very normal.
- Yes, yes, yes, he is looking at porn. You’ll probably find it. Unless it’s child porn, rape fantasy porn, beastiality, scat/urine porn, or really twisted domination porn, don’t worry. Chances are he’s going to turn out normal. It’s best not to touch the porn, but if you do, then wash your hands.
- Unless there’s a fire or frantic screams coming from his room, never open his door without first knocking and letting him invite you in. On second thought, even if there are frantic screams, knock on the door and let him invite you in.
Some of these suggestions may seem silly or overkill, but it’s in everyone’s interests (especially your’s, but also our son’s) for you to take these suggestions to heart.
If you liked that one, then you must read this one… An Amazon.com customer review on a 32-pack of Kleenex facial tissues, written from the mother’s perspective…
“I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I’ve put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank.
“This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don’t want it to get there, unless you’re ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Febreeze.
“This used to be a good Christian home. But it’s not about moral judgment anymore. I’m way beyond that. I’m in survival mode. If I don’t supply absorbent paper products, I’m going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical.
“The funny part is, they think they’re being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for “privacy”, as if I’m going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I’m not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I’m just trying to get through this.
“The other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries, and he asks me, all sweetness and light, ‘Honey, what’re you doing with all that Kleenex?’
“I about knocked him off his chair.“