I Want You to Own Me
Anyone who knows me in the real world, who’s actually sat down and had a chat with me and earnt enough trust for me to be vulnerable with, will know how insecure I am. Sometimes I see it as my primary flaw, from which several other flaws stem; my need for validation and reassurance, my need to post everything (the marks, the cuddles, the flowers) online, my need to hear ‘I love you’, and my need to hear ‘you matter’ I want him to own me.
I’ve recently started reminding myself that I was a single gal for 18 months before I got into my current relationship. I got myself out of bed (most days), I fed myself, I motivated myself. But I seldom validated myself. I did, however, take pride in my work, so during my lowest points, where I felt like the least desirable person in the world (never one for extremes, clearly), I still had the fact that I’m a kick-ass craftsperson to comfort me.
Anyway, I digress. They say actions speak louder than words, but sometimes I think definitions can help keep a relationship on track (and help keep the people in the relationship on the same track!). I get insecure quite a lot, worrying that my Dom is going to run away when I get too crazy (he’s doing phenomenally well not to, so far!) because let’s face it, nobody likes a psycho girlfriend who can’t stop comparing herself to his previous subs.
Now, it’s bad enough in the ‘nilla world. ‘Your ex girlfriend was prettier than me’. But throw into the mix a D/s dynamic and now we’re talking insecurity!
So in short, I want you to own me.
The feeling hits me most after a hard play session, when I’m in my little zone. The warmest, fuzziest feeling I have ever known (warmer and fuzzier than holding a new born baby) is the feeling I get when you are there and I am yours. I do empathize with subs and bottoms who play casually, and don’t have that feeling when they go home, all broken and bruised. I don’t think I could ever be in that position again.
(I wouldn’t read too much into the previous paragraph now. I feel so much more secure in our relationship these days and don’t have that feeling of loneliness after play anymore.)
I want to feel that trust, that devotion, that commitment… That ownership. I want to know that you’re proud of me – your girl, your partner, your sub – when I’m still feeling broken and we return to the real world and get on with our separate lives. I want you to collar me, for everyone to see that I am with you and no one else. For them to see that you’ve chosen me and that you’re not just settling for me. For them to know that I am yours, that you own me.
(I think I just really wanted everyone to understand our relationship better back then, and I think people have slowly learnt what kind of relationship we have).
And I do worry that you are settling, because I look at the girls you’ve been with before (the girls you’ve dominated and had that level of bonding and connection with) and I wonder what you’re doing with a girl like me. I have a little list or things to remember when I feel like that. The main one is ‘if he wanted to be with someone else instead of you, he would be with someone else instead of you’.