Dear Dominants. Please read this…..
Within this lifestyle there are unfortunately many dangers, there are people out there using the BDSM lifestyle as a way to abuse or use individuals under an umbrella of acceptance. Within each situation there are warning signs that we see, unfortunately sometimes we do not see these warning signs until it is too late. There are many people that say they are a Dominant are not, instead they are users, abusers, predators, wannabees, bullies, and manipulators. This article is designed to help people understand what a warning sign or red flag is, and hopefully prevent someone from getting hurt.
Some people think that just because they have read all the books and watched all the movies that they are instant Dominants; Instant Dominant…Just Add Water, and Shake Well. Just because he or she has a few floggers doesn’t mean they know how to use them or that they are a Dominant of any form. Just because someone orders you around or attempts to control your life doesn’t mean they are a Dominant. Being a Dominant is a menagerie of infinite strengths and weaknesses combined together with all the normal human mediocrities. It takes a lifetime of learning and growing to be a Dominant, and those that believe otherwise may not have a true grasp of the concept. Even as one is able to claim the title of Dominant, Master, Mistress, Lord, or Lady, God or Goddess, one is still learning, the learning is a never ending road that allows us to travel into the exciting and new dimensions of this adventure called BDSM.
As a Dominant myself I have come to understand that every Dominant does things in a different manner, and that just because what they do is different from what I do, it doesn’t make what they do wrong, it just makes it different. However there is a difference between just being different and being dangerous.
- If someone submits to you because they fear you, then you are a bully not a Dominant.
- If someone submits to you because you give him or her expensive presents then you are a pimp not a Dominant.
- If someone submits to you because you threaten to leave or abandon him or her if they refuse then you are a manipulator, not a Dominant.
- If someone submits to you because you wont leave him or her alone if they don’t then you are a predator not a Dominant.
- If someone submits to you because you will beat him or her if they don’t then you are an abuser not a Dominant.
There are far too many individuals out there in today’s society that manipulate, abuse, use, and lie to others in an effort to gain their service and respect. There are a lot of warning signs and although we tend not to see them unless in retrospect here are a few. Read each one carefully and answer honestly, when you have finished go back and look at the questions and the way you answered them.
- Does the Dominant use expensive gifts to get you to do something you honestly don’t want to do?
- Does the Dominant restrict you from having friends over or going over to see your friends?
- Does the Dominant threaten to leave you whenever you tell him or her that you don’t want to do something?
- Does the Dominant make you feel guilty if you can’t or wont do something?
- Does the Dominant restrict you from contact with your family?
- Does the Dominant get upset with you when you try and talk about the problems you are having?
- Does the Dominant ever make you feel as if you are not good enough or that you can be easily replaced?
- Does the Dominant ignore your medical or physical needs (this does not include the inability to see to these needs due to financial difficulties)?
- Have you caught the Dominant in a lie?
- Have you lost or gained an excessive amount of weight since being with the Dominant (this does not include intended weight loss or gain)?
- Does the Dominant make you feel bad if you question him or her?
- Does the Dominant make fun of or belittle your religious beliefs?
- Does the Dominant give you reason to question his or her honesty?
- Does the Dominant go away for long periods of time with no explanation and refuse to discuss it with you or get angered when you ask?
- Does the Dominant make you feel ugly or unwanted?
- Does the Dominant attempt to force you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable?
- Have you ever felt dirty or cheap after being with your Dominant?
- Does the Dominant drink to excess or too frequently?
- Have you ever felt like the Dominant is hiding something important?
- Has the Dominant ever hit you in anger?
- Does the Dominant ever tell you not to talk to others about your relationship?
- Does the Dominant restrict you from speaking with his or her past slaves or submissives?
- Have you ever been afraid to discuss something with the Dominant?
- Has the Dominant ever threatened you or became enraged when you tell him or her no?
- Has the Dominant ever given your services away without consulting you or without your consent?
- Has the Dominant ever brought another individual into the relationship without consulting you or without your consent?
- Does the Dominant demand to know your ware bouts at all times and still checks up on you?
- Have others told you that you should be careful or expressed concern about the Dominant and your well being?
- Has the Dominant ever talked bad about you to another Dominant?
- Has the Dominant ever said that others are out to get him or her?
- Have you ever felt like you were raped after having sex with your Dominant?
- When you have questioned the Dominant has he or she ever said that they don’t have to defend themselves against lies?
- Has the dominant ever mad you do something that you were physically or emotionally unable to do?
- Since you have been with the Dominant have you experienced an abnormal amount of depression or anxiety?
- Since you have been with the Dominant have you thought about committing suicide?
- Does the Dominant make you feel that your opinion does not matter?
- Does the Dominant punish you without explaining why?
- Does the Dominant ignore your needs?
- Does the Dominant express jealousy whenever you mention other Dominants or past relationships?
- Does the Dominant take all your money and refuse to give you enough to cover your basic needs?
- Does the Dominant participate in illegal actions, including the use of illegal drugs?
- Have you ever second-guessed your decision to be in the relationship?
- Has the Dominant ever questioned your loyalty when you question his or her behaviour?
- Has the Dominant ever knowingly let you go without necessary medical attention or medication?
- Have you ever felt lonely even in the presence of your Dominant?
- Does the Dominant punish you publicly or in front of others?
- Has the Dominant ever refused to speak about his or her past?
- Does your Dominant ignore limits or safety words?
These questions are designed to range in type and severity, so look at each one carefully, and remember that everything is relative. If the Dominant has made you feel guilty one time because you were being nosey this is not necessarily a red flag or a warning sign. If every time you ask a question you are belittled and yelled at then yes that would be what I would consider a red flag. Look at the combination of answers, did you answer yes to those concerning control and discipline, if so do you think that the degree of control or discipline is unacceptable, specifically is it something that you did not consent to?
Some questions must be answered carefully, like for instance if one of your fantasies is to be raped and you have ever had sex with the Dominant and were left feeling as if you had been raped then this is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes a Dominant will do something that others may consider wrong, and do it for all the right reasons, for example…every time you go over to your Mother\’s house she ends up yelling at you and getting you very upset, she never treats you with respect and you always end up depressed or mad when you go over there, because of this your Dominant will not allow you to go see your Mother. This is not an attempt to hurt you; it is an attempt to protect you and should not be viewed in a negative manner. The same thing goes for friends, are your friends hurting you or using you, do they take advantage of your submissive nature? Then it is only proper that your Dominant would restrict you from being around their negative influences
Basically you need to follow these simple steps.
- Go through the list and answer each question honestly.
- Go back though and look at each question that was answered YES.
- Was the behaviour a one-time incident? If you answer yes, make a note of what brought on the incident and discuss it with your Dominant. If no, perhaps you should ask someone outside the relationship for his or her opinion.
- Was the behaviour within your area of consent, by this I mean, did you consent to be treated in this manner, for example did you consent to the fact that you may be given away to another Dominant as a possibility within the relationship. If the answer is yes then you should pass over that specific question or answer it as no instead. If you did not consent then perhaps you and the Dominant need to talk about what you understand are the limits, boundaries, and structures of the relationship.
- What was the motivation behind the behaviour? If the behaviour was done out of carelessness or done unintentionally then I would suggest talking to the Dominant and letting him or her know how the behaviour effected you. If the behaviour was done out of anger or malice then perhaps you need to re-evaluate the arrangements you currently have in your relationship.
- Are there extenuating circumstances surrounding the behaviour? Has there been an unusual amount of stress within the Dominant\’s life, perhaps illness, or financial problems? If yes then perhaps you need to talk the circumstances over with the Dominant and maybe listen too, sometimes stress gets unintentionally passes on to those we care about, and we don\’t even realize it. If no then perhaps you need to ask the Dominant why they behaved in such a manner.
- Go back through your answers and look at them again. Using common sense do you think there is a pattern there? Are you being treated in a manner you did not consent to? Are you being used or manipulated?
I created this article in a hope that people in abusive relationships would come to realize the difference between consensual servitude and abuse. No one deserves to be mistreated; unfortunately sometimes an individual doesn’t realize that they are, or that they have any alternative. Everyone has the right to be treated in a manner that they feel comfortable with and that they knowingly consented to.