Five Things Your Secondary Wants You To Know…
1) My time with you is limited, and valuable to me. I look forward to seeing you and I even count down the days. I like knowing that you see our time as sacred. If you indiscriminately change plans or cancel, it can make me feel disposable and well,second. Secondary doesn’t mean second place.
2) Sometimes I need extra reassurance that I am important and needed. I don’t get those little cues that would be there if we were together more: things like a pat on the ass, as we are doing housework, or giving me control of the remote on a lazy night at home. I can ask for what I need, if I feel it will be given freely. If I say, “Tell me you love me.“, it’s not because I think you don’t, or I’m neurotically insecure. Sometimes I just need to hear it, out loud.
3) I want to know that I can depend on you even if I’m a satellite relationship. Keep your commitments to me, even if it seems like a small thing like “I’ll text you tomorrow.” Be there for me for the big things. Honor anniversaries…first date, first kiss….anything that celebrates the two of us. It gives me ownership of “US”, even though you are also part of another “us”.
4) It’s important to me that your primary partner is comfortable with me. As secondary, it is tricky sometimes to find the balance between being respectful of the established relationship, and nurturing my own newer relationship with you. Sometimes I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I got here last, and there are limits placed on us because of that. Understand that I am trying, and that I feel vulnerable to that dynamic sometimes.
5) Finally. I love and adore you. This is my truth; at the end of the day, though I may get into bed alone, I go to sleep knowing that you love me, that you need me, and that I am important. And that is the wonderful that keeps your secondary going.