Aiming for the top
If you have read 50 shades or anything similar you may think that being a dominant or ‘top’ comes naturally to some people. We’ll to a certain extent it does but we all have to start somewhere and learn as we go. The variety of range in sexual relationships of wants, desires, fetishes, peccadilloes, kinks whatever you want to call them is so diverse that what suits one person doesn’t suit another (there is a reason the LBGTV/TS community adopt a rainbow flag after all).
So being a top is about learning what A. Turns you on and B. What turns your partner on. Something I wonder about that is possibly seldom considered is how the top feels. What I mean is providing safety to a bottom or submissive can make them feel amazing, safe, secure etc but what if the top is feeling vulnerable, emotional or just off their game.
I experienced this recently and discovered that the safety of the dominant role provided some comfort in itself but also the verbal reassurance of the sub that they feel protected and cared for also provides its own security. How amazing is it knowing that somebody trusts you implicitly but also that you can trust them, that they’ll always be there for you at your side caring and considering.
Another point on the same theme is books often portray a role where the woman sits around all day waiting for the rich playboy to come and continue the fantasy, in reality most of us live normal lives and have to turn our sub / dom lives on and off. This also means that our roles can be quite blended. One partner may well be the dominant in the bedroom but outside the other partner may well take the lead in other areas of their lives. The Sub may need the love and protection and nurture of the top in the bedroom but the top requires the love and support and mental sanctity of the sub outside of the bedroom. Again the range of human needs, desires and emotions is complex.
To be a good top, be open minded to the needs of your sub and ensure you understand what they need, do not be frivolous or trivialise their desires or emotions ever, you will lose that trust. Explain to your sub what you need, you can be vulnerable and still in control. They want to please you so will be eager to know how. Be honest and care for each other and you will find a balance and place that works for you. The added bonus of putting this much effort and thought into something creates a depth of understanding as well as depth of desire and trust that anything else will not compare. Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day but it’s empire lasted over 500 years and parts can still be seen today!