I know you got soul.
Someone recently said to me I had a ‘nice soul’ now once you’ve got past the obvious gags about whether I’m sure I heard her right etc I wanted to try to understand this.
I have a very self destructive streak and also a strange sense of self worth(lessness?) Let me first give you a scenario about someone else I once knew before I try to explain about myself.
I used to share a flat with this guy Justin. We’d do the usual 20 something Saturday afternoon in the pub and knew quite a few people. One week friends brought a long a new girl. It was obvious from the outset that Justin liked her and soon became apparent that she liked him to. They were getting on great, flirting and chatting and almost excluding everyone else from the group and then bamb It happened.
Justin proceeded to take his shoe and sock off and pick his big toe nail at the table… Everyone who knew him looked mildly amused and a little shocked. The girl? Well she looked horrified and a little queasy.
The following day I asked him why. He told me he didn’t really know but when I probed he admitted he could tell this girl liked him and he really liked her but he was so scared of rejection that he did it to be in control. By putting her off he had stopped any chance of rejection by her (yet causing it at the same time) except on his terms.
So back to me, this is not going to be a bleeding heart story but I need to set the scene.. Ok cue Dvoraks new world symphony…. I grew up in a council house in the North. We didn’t have much and were a one parent family. I saw my dad a lot and he was more affluent so I was lucky enough to have a small taste of the better life and opportunities to escape. My mother is an interesting character, somewhat highly strung, emotional yet lacking in emotional intelligence, think teenage over reaction and mood swings and you’re pretty much on the money. My father was used as an authority figure by my mother. Not in a disciplinarian role but as a ‘you’re dad will be disappointed’ kind of way.
I had an unhealthy terror of authority figures such as teachers, the police, my dad until way into my teenage years. I then rebelled as all teenagers do but it was a petty rebellion.
I think somewhere in my formative years I formed a level of self-esteem that is quite low. I’ve done ok for myself I’ve climbed the career ladder, have beautiful children and yet somehow manage to drag myself back down again. I never blame circumstance or anyone else or bad luck, it’s always down to me. It’s almost like Justin. I reach a point where it’s all going great and somehow I’m scared I’ll lose it, so I wreck it.
So being told you have a nice soul is strange, what defines the soul? I’m not religious and not a believer in a spiritual sense (on that note my Gran was a Methodist preacher so there’s always an underlying doubt there too but logic prevails!) What constitutes a nice soul? More importantly how do I stop being so self-destructive? I’ve seen the Paul McKenna style self-help books but I’m always a cynic. I feel like people lie to themselves and you’ll build up this thin veneer of hope only for life to come swinging in like Miley Cyrus and smash it all to pieces.
So like Justin I think subconsciously that I bring it all down around me before life can kick me in the teeth. Maybe I just like being the victim? I don’t know but it’s fucking tedious.
I’ve got an opportunity to run my own thing (I did this before…..Failed) So you can imagine my dilemma. My optimistic side says go for it do it! Then the little pessimistic devil says “you’ll only fuck it up” So what do I do?
I’ve met some arrogant cunts in my time. The type who are basically selfish shit heads and yet they are hugely successful, they’re not even that good most of the time it just seems that their arrogance carries them through everything. Do nice guys always finish last?? No is the answer as I know some amazing people who manage to maintain a good soul and still have a healthy self belief.
So where and how do I find it? I want to believe I really do, but when you have repeated the same cycle ad infinitum you tend to become a bit wary. Nice Soul maybe, flawed definitely, successful me? that I’m not sure I can answer yet or am even brave enough to find out.
Sorry dear readers that all sounded depressing, the irony is I’m a happy go lucky sort of person I just harbour this weird darkness (melodrama!) I think thats my cue to flounce out of her for now and go and sit brooding somewhere!