In part 1 we talked about finding a third partner who was willing to take a step into the bedroom with an already existing couple for a 3some. But before that step over the threshold and into the room where the magic happens some other magic needs to take place first.
It can seem a little urgent a man and a woman find an attractive woman and the rush is on to get her into bed. But you have to slow down and look past the attraction and chemistry. For a while we initiated a no sex on the first meet rule but we found that it was not really practical and we have since gotten a lot better at spotting potential problems.
So the first step with us is that we all have to talk over text or phone and build a relationship and connection first. This sounds all spiritual and stuff but I assure you its not. I’ve never had satisfactory sex with someone I didn’t at least care about. For me, any dynamic requires some care (I can’t hurt you if I don’t care about you). For a triad this of course means that all three must care and reciprocate feelings.
Now the common adage is that not everyone will like everyone equally. I’m aware that some people may hate me and like her or vice versa. I understand and would never force anyone into anything. If that’s the case I’m afraid we have to part ways and wish each other luck.
So we tend to talk the third person for a while over text and see if they meet what we are looking for. This gets criticised a lot in the poly community but let’s be real – everyone does this while dating and should before a 3some.
We also look for red flags before the 3some – here are a few:
- “You can cum anywhere in or on me you like”. – I get the feeling I’m not the first and we always play safe.
- “You guys are open so I should just be able to fuck you or her alone if I like”. – To ask for that before any trust is built?
- “I can’t meet you guys because I have another date / fuckbuddy coming over.” – Too cavalier an attitude about sex for me and a lack of focus.
- Constant cancelling of plans.
- Constant talking about past partners in a good or bad way.
- Immediate (or very early) demands – “I would like to have a baby with you. When can I move in?”.
- An ex that always seems to be hanging around.
- Drug use and other irresponsible behaviour.
I know I’m going to get a raft of shit for that list. For instance – HOW DARE YOU SHAME SOMEONE FOR HAVING SEX. That’s not what I’m saying at all. We don’t expect our third to not have sex outside us (unless they commit to that and expect the same – yes it happens!). What we don’t want is that to be thrown in our face and for them to be unsafe. And if they have a bevy of other partners its highly unlikely they will have time or energy for us.
Everyone has preferences. These are ours. Mostly what we are looking for is an HONEST assessment of the situation for everyone and to see if we can move forward with the situation at hand. We have kindly told people its just not going to work and moved on. This isn’t a judgement on them or us. Its just a realistic accounting that we won’t be compatible and shouldn’t try to force it. It just leads to heartbreak all around.
Some people may believe I’m making shit up but every one of those scenarios above has happened. We have matched with or talked to probably 70 women and 7 have made it to our bed for a 3some. All but one of them were with us for months. Some moved on because the distance was too great or life changes made it hard to get together. But we look for as ongoing a thing as possible.
The other thing that makes this work is honesty on our part as well. We let them know beforehand that we are busy with work, kids and other things. We can’t easily travel. As well, what we are open to and expecting.
That’s my experience. This is not a how to guide to a 3some. Just one person’s experiences.
The next part is logistics and awkwardness including that first meeting. Oh I have stories to tell.