For the first 25 years of my life, I had no idea that I was a masochist. I didn’t understand what people get from being in pain. I thought vanilla sex was quite enough, thank you very much, even if it wasn’t that regular and I never reached orgasm. It wasn’t until I found myself dating a sadist that a realised how much I love being hurt.

I Jumped In Head First I Am A Masochist

Being a Masochist: A Beginner's GuideAlthough our first date was all very lovely and sensual (massage oil candle back rub and Papa John’s… mmmmm), it wasn’t long before I took my first spanking. We’d spent a couple of weeks chatting – just chatting – and we talked a bit about my limited experience with BSDM. The main thing I was trying to get my head around at the time was polyamory, and I didn’t understand the importance of communication when it came to S&M. After the 2nd date, I came home with big purple bruises on my thighs (from bites or being smacked – I can’t remember) and a perfect bite mark on my shoulder which lasted about 3 months. I jumped in head first and I was loving it. It’s so easy in the throws of passion to take intense levels of pain. Those early NRE days when everything is exciting and uncharted…

So Where Should I Start?

So where should I start?” I hear you ask. Well from my fairly positive experience as a shiny new masochist, I would say definitely start by talking about where you’re currently at. Talk to your sadist about what kinds of pain you are interesting in receiving, and map out your soft and hard limits. But be very aware of your emotions. If you’re mood suddenly plummets after play you probably have what we call sub drop, and it’s totally ok to talk about it with your partner. In fact, telling your partner is all part of responsible play!

Being a Masochist: A Beginner's GuideIf you’re exploring new territory together as a couple, buy some fun and safe toys to get you going. Paddles are fun for hitty play, but it’s good to mix that up with other things to get you really exploring your senses.

Explore Your Sensual Side

Nobody can take hitty pain forever! And as my partner often tells me in totally vanilla work based situations – “slow and steady wins the race“. So some advice I took from a workshop at LAM is to mix in lots of different feelings, textures and even temperatures. Not all torture needs to be derived from hitty pain! Shock your partner after a good spanking session by brushing their skin with a soft fabric like satin or velvet, then throw their senses off balance with a block of ice (my partner once part inserted a cold satsuma inside me and I had no idea what it was until he united me!). And the sensual fun isn’t limited to Tops, Doms and sadists. As a masochist I love giving sensual, gentle, tickle pleasure as my way of initiating play or showing my appreciation and love.

Dont forget, Its Good To Talk

I would have to say that my number one tool for finding my way as a masochist is to ask other masochists. It’s really really imperative that you communicate all the time with your sadist/Top but at the end of the day, they are the yin to your yang! Find some like minded masochist you can trust and talk to them about your experiences and offer practical advice for dealing with sub drop.