I don’t have a vagina. But if I did have one, I’m pretty sure I’d think twice before I started shoving all sorts of weird stuff in there like it was an extra pocket made out of flesh. But hey, like I said, I don’t have a vagina. So today I read about a news story about a 19-year old girl who hid a loaded gun in her vagina, and went searching, and yeah its normal! just read below.
Like so many trips to county holding, this story starts with a suspended driver’s license. And it’s a nearly perfect example of the slippery slope of a life of a crime. First, you’re ignoring parking tickets. Next thing you know, you’re driving around on a suspended license. And boom, suddenly, you’re packing a loaded pistol in your vagina.
The perp in question is a young woman named Dallas Archer. As the story goes, Miss Archer was tooling around Tennessee when Johnny Law took an interest in her. Cops pulled her over and they discovered her driver’s license was suspended. Oops. They arrested her and brought her to the jail in some place called Kingsport, Tennessee. During their initial strip search, one of the deputies noticed something odd about Miss Archer’s vagina. A female cop and a jailhouse deputy took Miss Archer to the ladies room. After a quick search behind the meat curtains, the officers found a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina.”
To make matters worse, the gun was stolen. When the proper owner was contacted about its return he requested his hot pistol be dipped in bleach and cleaned of any residue left from its time spent in Miss Archer’s vagina. A fair request, I suppose.
But no on shouted: Is this more taxpayer money being used frivolously, in this case, to clean vagina juice off a stolen pistol?
Or maybe no one wants to ask that question. A better question to ask, what no one else seems to wonder about, but what I would’ve asked if I were there since it seems so obvious: Miss Archer, when you go out at night do you regularly pack a loaded firearm in your vagina? That’s so gangster.
As wild as her story is, Dallas Archer and her badass vagina, are far from the first time a woman was booked into jail while packing heat in her va-jay-jay.
Just Like Tiggers … Vaginas Are Wonderful Things
Once again, this story did not take place in Florida. Way to go, Sunshine State! This bizarre incident took place in Oklahoma. The perp was with another woman, seated in a car that was noticeably alone in the parking lot of a restaurant that was closed since it was after-hours. Like, way after-hours. It was roughly 3:45 in the morning. That’s why police initially took an interest in Christie Dawn Harris. But imagine the cops’ surprise when they discovered there was so much more to her. She had so much more to offer.
While she was being transported to jail, Harris reportedly told the police she needed to use the restroom. But the police didn’t stop at a gas station for her to tinkle. Instead, they went directly to jail. As she was being booked and processed, Harris began to act suspiciously. Like, she was reluctant to lower her underwear for a strip search. Finally, she did. That’s when Officer Kathy Unbewust noticed the perp had the oddest vagina jewelry ever. “I observed at that time a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area.” Officer Unbewust sprang into action and “pulled the item from her vagina, and found it to be a 5 shot revolver with rounds in the chamber.”
Once again, the gun is loaded. I guess if you’re gonna pack heat in your honeypot you wanna be able to pull your pistol and start solving problems without having to reach back in and find your bullets. (Probably.)
The Woman Who Mistook Her Vagina For Her Handbag
It’s not always a gat that a gal wants to hide in her vagina. Sometimes she just wants to tuck away a few essentials, you know, like she has a second purse between her legs.
In 2011, in Pennsylvania, a 27-year old woman named Karin Mackaliunas, was in a one-car accident. That’s not the funny part. That was just bad luck. When the police arrived, they informed her she was a suspect for a recent robbery. They took her into custody. After a routine search, they discovered three bags of heroin in her coat.
But that was just small change because Mackaliunas told the police she had “hidden more heroin in her vagina.” After they conducted a cavity search, police discovered “54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used for packaging heroin, 8 ½ prescription pills and fifty-one dollars and twenty-two cents.”
It seems Mackaliunas thought her vagina was the best place to hide her drug stash and her spare change. But apparently, in her haste, she’d missed three bags of heroin in the pocket of her coat. Double Oops!
Sometimes while I’m driving around Los Angeles, I’ll catch myself wondering:
Why would she put 51 dollars and 22 cents in her vagina?
Didn’t it jingle when she walked?
Did she not have anyone to teach her money is like, really, really unclean?
Was “vagina-as-second-purse” just a last-second decision she made when the police lights flashed?
But this is the way of the amateur. They never consider what do when and if things go wrong. That’s why they end up with fifty-one dollars and twenty-two cents in their vagina.
Now, we shouldn’t just pick on female criminals. Because, brothers and sisters, leave it to a man to come up with a plan so much dumber, so much crazier and down-right, flat-out dirrrrrty, that it actually boggles the mind.