Dating The Blowjob First Rule

Countless times over the past year while filling in my best friend “A” on my forays in the dating world, I found myself grumbling about my failure in this arena.  She is 13 years older than me and all of the dates she has ever been on have resulted in serious, long-term relationships with her holding all the power.  Mine, on the other hand, start off steamy then fizzle out quickly and for a long time I felt powerless to this cycle.  Whenever I would see her, we would spend our evenings catching up on all my dating mishaps and adventures while eating dinner and watching the latest episodes of our guilty pleasure shows like Jersey Shore.  At one point I had been on dates with so many guys that she couldn’t even keep track of all their names and corresponding stories.  Each guy tale ended with the ridiculous reason why I ran the other way or the awful excuse he used to cut his ties.  Some of these men I had slept with but most of the dating encounters never got that far and stopped at first base. This made for some humorous anecdotes which provoked a lot of laughs from my friends, but it also chipped away at my self esteem and poked holes in my heart.  I found myself lying awake at night wondering what was wrong with me and what was I doing to attract crazy guys and scare the quality ones away.

Did you not know??

One day, while hanging out with my best friend and her roommate, she asked me about the physicality of my dating relations.  She and all my female friends are incessantly telling me to hold off on sex for as long as possible because if you sleep with a guy too soon, before the emotional connection has time to mature, they will have no reason to come back and will move on to the next girl.  Since I am apparently dissimilar to most young women and can differentiate between a lustful encounter and a meaningful bond, I do not get invested too quickly or easily.  I opt to sleep with a guy when I want to—not when an arbitrarily sufficient amount of time has passed, a certain number of dates have occurred, or I am emotionally invested.  My thoughts are, why pursue a relationship with someone if the sex is bad?  If you have a strong physical connection you have half of the requirements of a successful couple and all the rest can follow if the attraction is there.  In my opinion, it is worse to develop a strong affinity for someone only to find out that there is no sexual chemistry than to have sex early on and realize that you are not compatible.

When I shared my viewpoint on sexuality with “A”, she was stunned and appalled.  She takes the Patti StangerDating Millionaire Matchmaker viewpoint of waiting until monogamy to have sex and finds it distressing that someone could “give a man their vagina” without knowing for certain that the relationship is going somewhere.  However, they do not take my vagina; they utilize it temporarily, and the majority of the time they aren’t the only ones enjoying that exchange because I’m still attached when they employ it.  Additionally, no one can ever rest assured that their significant other will not cheat or leave them because thoughts and actions are not always consistent with one another and someone can say they love you or that they will never leave but those are simply promises yet to be fulfilled.  Moreover, as time goes on, people change and can grow apart.  All we truly have is the here and now.

Anyway, after getting over the initial shock regarding my sexual proclivities, “A” and her roommate asked me why I did not follow the blowjob first rule.  I apparently never got the memo that if a girl wants to keep a guy interested and get another date, she must give a memorable and complete blow job before having sex with him.  The unwritten rule book of female dating etiquette states that girls must hold off on physicality until a few dates have passed, a connection beyond attraction has formed, and there is considerable potential for a committed relationship.  Then, before sliding into home, the girl should give a skilled blow job and hold off on further sexual endeavors until a later date.  While I have certainly taken care of the guys I’ve dated, having not known about this dating prerequisite I realized that I have always opted to sleep with a guy first.  Was this why I seem to always be dating yet single and not in an exclusive relationship?  I decided to solicit all of my female friends’ opinions, wondering what other girls had to say.  After asking around, I came to realize that I had apparently been in the dark about a critical dating strategy that almost always ensures that a guy will start to fall for you.  Unbeknownst to me, it is common knowledge in girl world that you “trick” a guy into dating you by luring him in with a blow job first.

cee2c47cbd303b68cd155c74f5f74924dc8226be43a26bfbd3c8fd1e375508e224 years in the dark

Rather than accept the fact that I had spent 24 years in the dark about this rule (during approx. ten of which it would have proved useful) and take my female friends’ advice, I queried my guy friends to get their viewpoint on the topic.  As it turns out, guys concur with the blowjob first rule.  I was given several reasons why this tactic is a smart maneuver for females to make.  First, guys believe that girls become emotional after sex; whereas, for them, physicality can be completely detached from emotionality.  If a girl sleeps with a guy too soon, the guy can get afraid that she wants a commitment and head for the hills.  The blowjob, however, does nothing for the girl so she theoretically remains emotionally neutral while the guy is fully satisfied.  Second, while the blowjob may seem like a degrading act for the female, she actually possesses all the power in this position.  She is holding the guy’s manhood fractions of a centimeter from her teeth, one wrong move and the guy could be severely pained.  By completing an injury free, enjoyable BJ the girl earns some trust with the man and faith in a person’s good nature is instrumental to any relationship, dating or other.  Third, guys love blowjobs and once in a committed relationship, the times in which they get one are few and far between.  A girl who gives head, especially good head, is a typically a keeper.  Fourth, since it really does not do much for the girl, it is a somewhat selfless act.  By taking care of the guy and expecting nothing in return (though reciprocity is often appreciated) she becomes exponentially more likeable in his eyes.  Lastly, it provides a mean of getting off while there is still more intimacy to look forward to—it is kind of the like the previews for great movie with you on the edge of your seat dying to see more.

So, I decided to test out this theory and, sadly, the jury is still out.  Yet, rest assured, there will be a follow-up to this article as I continue my ventures in dating.  I am, however, very curious as to what people outside of my immediate social circle have to say.  Please feel free to share your opinions on this topic because I would love to know if the understood but unprinted rules of girl world hold water in the real world.

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