I’m not going to sugar coat this. If you’re new to this lifestyle, if you’re here because of 50 Shades of Grey, get ready to have your heart broken, baby dolls.

1. Dom’s aren’t always going to fall in love with you. There are going to be scenes that end as just that. There are going to be men that want to fuck you in the worst way. But just like every other situation, they may choose to leave it at just that.

2. It goes so far beyond spankings and toys. It goes past a dirty contract. You are going to be challenged. You are going to have to find some sort of emotional strength inside when you are bent over and helpless. You are going to find your limits, and maybe, you may go past them. But you have to be strong enough to also admit when you’ve had enough.

3. You can’t always invision corsets and fishnets. A real Dom is going to want to see you at your rawest form. He’s going to want to see you as you just wake up, a total mess. High heals are not mandatory in those moments, but your submission is.

4. You’re going to be the one in charge, whether you want to be or not. That safeword puts you in charge. Those physical marks of evidence, also called bruises, puts you in charge. That contract puts you in charge. Knowing what you are okay with doing and not okay with doing puts you in charge. You give the paint and the Dom paints the picture.

5. Being a brat isn’t sexy all the time. You have to want to please him. You have to want to make it work. The Dom isn’t going to want to constantly be forcing your submission, especially if they’ve already proven themselves in such a manner that they have earned it. Either you want it or you don’t.

6. Its the things you do that you aren’t told to do that catch the Dom’s eye. Waking them up to breakfast, having their warm bath ready after work, them coming home to their favorite movie rented from redbox… Those things will make you stand out and make you more appreciated.

7. You need to be appreciated too. No matter what fantasy you want to live in, it is impossible for D/s to literally exist 24/7. Its completely okay to have a day off where you are wined and dined and allowed to voice your opinion without consequence as well. It may actually be one of the healthiest parts of the relationship. It lets you know that you are valued and in good hands.

8. D/s should never be actual abuse. If you want to play around, and everything is consensual, thats great. But nobody has the right to take away the freedoms of another person without permission.

9. That being said, there will be things that you don’t like to do. Such as cleaning the bathroom. And the fact of it all is that sometimes, you have to do what is asked of you. And if you can’t handle simple tasks just because you don’t feel like it, perhaps this isn’t the lifestyle for you.

10. Christian Grey was a fictional character dreamed up by a horny housewife. He’s never going to really exist. And thats okay. Maybe you can find what you are looking for and write your own story.