Who am I? An interesting question you might ask. I’ve not suddenly developed amnesia although dementia may be imminent as I’m about to turn 40! Inevitably with milestone birthdays comes and element of navel gazing.
As you may have read over the past few weeks I’ve just come to the end of a whirlwind relationship, I’m viewing 40 as a fresh start and a chance to make new choices and to wipe the slate clean so to speak. So what do I want…or rather who do I want to be? As this blog is usually sexually related I’ll keep it in that context, what I mean is what do ‘relationships’ look like for me in the future?
Firstly my history:-
I’ve had 126 sexual partners.
9 male (including one transvestite (who’s name was the same as mine just to add to the scene) and one transsexual and yes this was in Bangkok)
7 long term relationships (over 12 months) and a whole range of interactions from one night stand to a few months.
I’ve been unfaithful in all but 3 of those long term relationships.
Of those 126 partners 7 have involved a financial transaction (all one way)
So what does that tell us?
Am I 91% heterosexual?
Am I pan sexual with a heavy heterosexual leaning?
Am I bi sexual?
Does it matter, do I need a title as such and why am I asking?
My previous history has been peppered with guilt brought on by misdemeanours and lies. I want to avoid that in the future. So by giving myself a tag I can then share it with others.
Maybe I wasn’t as self aware as I am now and I always (mostly always) entered into things with the right intentions however the outcome is always the same.
Looking at the evidence maybe I’ve been lying to myself and therefore the only possible outcome was lies to everyone else.
Well I’ve never had a long term relationship with a man and I never really look at men in that way, but put me in the right scenario or catch me on the 3 or 4 nights of the year that I’m feeling fruity and I’m there but bisexual I’m not convinced? Open minded? Yes, adventurous? Yes.
Clearly from those statistics I’m rubbish at maintaining relationships no matter with whom, or have been thus far. Am I serial monogamist? Well this is an interesting question, I thought about whether my life going forward could consist of singledom with a number of FWBs (friends with benefits) or as an active member of the swinging community. The answer? I’m not sure.
The times I was faithful was when effectively I was unhappy! I held both these women In high regard and I felt insecure in the relationship. Both were similar, cold, aloof and seemingly uncaring. One cheated on me (a combination of youthful folly and self fulfilling prophecy).
One person I was faithful too was my ex wife (she’ll never believe it) although it ended partly because she caught me starting to be drawn to others.
(However In this instance I was unhappy I should add we were both unhappy so as not to do her a disservice, one sided it was not and I shoulder my share of the blame)
I like the depth of a relationship, the affection, the companionship and the shared history, but can I be faithful? Again the same answer I’m not sure. Confidence in a relationship finds me looking around not usually for an alternative relationship and not because the sex isn’t good but simply for something new. I’m not suggesting boredom either I’m just not sure I’m equipped to nail my colours to one mast for ever. It’s almost as if I stray when I am happy and look to extend that happiness further.
Is polygamy the answer? After all, the tag line of polygamists is ‘my poly is not your poly’ suggesting that it is not a one size fits all scenario.
So how would I feel if I had a poly partner? I guess like one of the other bloggers expressed there must be an element of insecurity and fear of the other person finding somebody better? But surely the trust and honesty brings it’s own closeness and rewards. What about swinging with a partner? Again I’m not sure. Polygamy I feel allows you the freedom to just be you, swinging possibly confines you to one partner following the other and becomes totally about sex. I follow lots of swingers and a variety of people with different sexual orientations on twitter and whilst I sometimes enter into conversation and debate it always feels a little lacking in something. Part of it for me is about developing relationships at differing levels and getting to know the individual . All the male interactions bar one have been through liking the person and then lead to sex rather than an immediate desire. I’ve been attracted to women after knowing them for periods of time that I wouldn’t have been attracted to immediately. I possibly even see sex as an extension of friendship (don’t worry friends if it’s not happened by now you’re probably safe!)
Ok so I’ve answered none of my own questions but posed a number of additional ones to myself. I’ve never spoken in detail to polys or read a lot about it so that’s my goal for the next few weeks.
I’ve started a ‘bucket’ list for my 40s and I’m going to put in there ‘be sexually and emotionally honest’ I think that’s a good starting point, this is not a ‘normal’ conversation but I’m sure I’m not alone. I’d appreciate any interaction from people who have taken their own journey are about to embark or like most of us are probably still on one.
Your poly is not my poly but I’d still like to hear about it.