Use Lube: A Kinky Parody of *Wear Sunscreen*

Playing around on one of the many sites i play on i found this 🙂 it made me giggle and remember when Confessions of a Plenty of Fisher… made one for work 🙂

Newbies entering the world of Kink:

Use lube!

If I could recommend one thing that could preserve your kinky life (or really help you avoid awkward trips to the ER), lube would be it, and I mean lots of it. The any-term benefits of lube has been proven by insertion-ists everywhere, whereas all the other shit I’m about to say is most likely made up and/or taken from true kink manuals like the Fifty Shades of Grey book series. So fuck it, I’ll share.

Enjoy the newness while it lasts. Oh fuck it. You won’t really understand that every Top/Bottom/Master/Dom/Subbie/Slave is falling all over you because you’re the new shiny until you’re not the new shiny anymore. But trust me, in about a month, you’ll look back and wished you had played with some of the more “average” people because all the “Super Doms”/”Hot Subbies” will have moved on to the next new shiny while you stand in the corner bitching with the rest of us tired, old folks. You’re not as undesired as you imagine.

Don’t worry about negotiation. Or worry, but understand that trying to figure out proper negotiation is like understanding the small print of that Terms and Conditions statement you just agreed to on FetLife. Sure, you know it’s bound to bite you in the ass, but they wrote it in lawyer English, and you just want the candy. Truth is no matter how good you think you are at negotiating, that motherfucker in the black leather vest and black chaps (they’re all ass-less) is setting up about forty different loopholes you hadn’t thought of.

Blow up one of your limits at least once a month.

Scream.

Don’t violate people’s consent. Don’t put up with people violating yours.

Sanitize.

Remember its NRE (New Relationship Energy). Yes, today he/she is the best thing since sliced bread. In two weeks, you’ll meet their “crazy” and you’ll likely go running for the hills.

Appreciate the play you get. Disregard the rejection or lack of play. If you figure out how to do it, tell me, then post a Fet journal entry so the rest of us can love it, send it to K&P and wait for the trolls to come out en masse.

Keep your Fet journal, toss out the creeper invites (I love your pics, wanna fuck?)

Own a Hitachi.

Don’t feel weird if you don’t know what your fetishes are. The kinkiest fuckers I know didn’t know all the kinky shit they were into until at least a couple of years of trying kinky shit.

Drink lots of fluids. Be kind to your toys, both the flesh and bone kind and the “everything else” variety. If you mess one up to the point you can never play with it again, you’ll wish you hadn’t.

Maybe you’ll find a primary, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll get collared, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll run screaming from the kink community, or maybe you’ll find yourself leading a big local community and traveling the country as a kink educator. Whatever you do, don’t get too cocky or arrogant, or too depressed or lonely. Truth is, the universe can put you in interesting places. Learn to love where it takes you and appreciate and cherish those that help you along the way.

Enjoy your body. Don’t worry about what others think of it. Right now, there is someone masturbating to a picture of you because they’re into pregnant midget big breasted unicorns that squirt (really, it’s not my ideal, but if you are one…FetMail me!). They’ll find you if you’re open to the possibilities.

Masturbate, even if it’s in the confessional of the local Catholic Church or in the janitors closet of your job that you hated and were glad when they…umm…just masturbate, okay?

Take a rope class, even if you’re knot into it.

Don’t peruse K&P too much; it only leaves you wanting more attention and envying those that are getting it.

Get to know your community leaders; they may be a great resource for you to learn from. Meet your fellow community members; some may save you from heartache.

Go to a major public event near you. It’s amazing the sights, sounds and energy of hundreds of kinky people getting their kink on. Have lots of chocolate and cheese available afterwards. It’s drop motherfucker…learn to deal with it.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Tops are narcissists. Predators are out there. You’ll be in this community for a long time. When you have been you’ll fantasize about when you were a newbie, tops were considerate and predators were culled and everyone’s consent was respected.

Respect others’ consent.

Don’t expect anyone else to find your bliss for you. Maybe you’ll have a Master, maybe you’ll have a mentor, but you never know when either one might dump you.

Be careful about permanent body mutilation. The scars and permanent marks that look good at thirty may leave you looking like a train wreck at sixty.

Check whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the lube.

paraphrased and parodied from “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young (commonly Wear Sunscreen)” [Mary Schmich (1997-06-01). “Original published article”. Chicago Tribune.] For those of you that don’t know the it heres a Youtube video 

“Don’t follow leaders, watch the parkin’ meters.” -Bob Dylan